The passage of time....

On August 22, 2008 at about 3:30 p.m. a tiny little baby girl was placed in my arms. We stared at each other for a very long second. I started to cry, and we became a family. It's a moment that I look back to in awe and disbelief. To envision it is surreal because since that second, I've had to convince myself that I did not actually give birth to this little being. And though we have mourned the ignorance of her first six months in this world, it is still difficult to comprehend that she did truly grow only in my heart.

The year has been spectacular and difficult and heart-wrenching and inspiring. She is turning into an amazing little person. Strong, confident, beautiful; I'm so proud of her, and love her and her brother more that the world itself.

Emma Day

That's what Connor calls it, and it's better than calling it "Emma's birthday", or "The Day Emma Died", or "The Day We Wish Never Happened..."

It's been a rough season. The time between Mother's Day and Father's Day is really emotional and trying for us all. I remember with clarity that only a mother can have, each minute of each day leading up to June 2, 2005. It's harrowing and heart-shattering, and travels in emotional waves between anguish and acceptance as we move toward Emma Day.

We try to do something fun with Connor (and this year, Kenna) on this day to somehow celebrate Emma's part in our family. And it makes the day easier to get through. Today we're taking Connor to the movies and then if the weather cooperates, we'll take both of them to a local splash park. Kenna's obviously too young to realize anything different about today, but Connor knows and says, "it's a very sad day, but at least we can do something fun so we can smile".

This year has been different as I remember her. She would be 4 today. Up until now, I was mourning the loss of a baby. But it hit me with real force and anguish this year that I'm missing an entire childhood now. She would be in pre-K. She would be playing a sport or taking dance or gymnastic lessons. She would be terrorizing her big brother. Or maybe not. We'll never know, and that part never gets easier.

Certianly without Emma, there may not have been Kenna, and I can't imagine not having her. But I don't think it's selfish to wish we could have both of them.

We love you, Emma Jane, You are in our hearts always.

Nguyen Thi Ban

In late October of 2007 we received a referral for Nguyen Thi Ban from Thai Nguyen province, Vietnam. We were smitten. She was our daughter, or so we thought, and we couldn't wait to bring her home. We named her Kamryn Grace. Due to beaurocratic red tape on both sides of the globe and mishandling by our legislature, agency, USCIS, (the list goes on.....) we, along with 4 other families with referrals from the same province had to accept the fact that the child we thought was ours was not to be. We were told she would be adopted by another family in another country. We were heartbroken, and mourned her loss.

That was February 29, 2008. Little did we know, that just two weeks prior in a province near Hanoi, a little girl was born who would join our family just 6 months later. On April 22, 2008 we received Kenna's referral from Bac Ninh; and the rest -- well you know :)

Nguyen Thi Ban turns 2 today. I think about her a lot and wonder about what might have been, and where she is and if she is ok. So wherever you are, little one, we hope you are healthy, happy and with parents who adore you. Happy Birthday!

CONGRATULATIONS ANGELA!!

The last former Thai-Nguyen-turned-Bac-Ninh referral just got approved!!! Angela has been waiting for this day for so long it almost seems unreal. She has to be the most resilient person I have ever known. For as long this relentless, tragic process to bring her baby home has been going on, she's handled every heart-wrenching step with grace and optimism. I applaud her and wish her happiness and joy through the next few weeks of itineraries, airports, hotel rooms, government red tape....all leading up to that moment when she sees her baby for the very first time and feels that surge of relief and unbelievable adoration; knowing that forever has arrived. Love you, Angela - you did it.

Out of Excuses

Ok. First it was sleep deprivation, then it was sleep training frustration, then it was Facebook, I could go on, but I'm pretty much out of excuses for not keeping up with the blog. To my small handful of (still) faithful followers, I humbly apologize -- but I had good excuses, right? And let me just tell you...that crazy Facebook is like crack! I still can't get enough. I will admit (reluctantly) that it's way easier to post pictures and updates through FB, so that's probably where you'll find all that stuff (and you should totally check - my kids are amazingly cute!)

Connor is 6. Not kidding. Six. As in, "I'm six, mom. (not mommy, mind you) So I can make my own decisions and run away with the circus if I want to." He's wonderful and sweet and other than the occasional meltdown about having to read for 20 minutes a day and shoe-tying struggles, he's the greatest big kid I know. And I mean BIG. He's exactly 1 foot shorter than me, which does not bode well for first grade.

I lose track of which t-ball season we're on now...6? Practices start next week, and he's looking forward to it. Watching his games is one of my favorite pasttimes. His team has been together since they were 3..for most of them, that 1st jersey hung to their knees, and their bats were as tall as they were. They consistently ran to 3rd base instead of 1st -- if they ran at all. Most of the time they were in awe of just hitting the ball that they just stood there and watched it to see how far it would go! Connor's favorite part was drawing in the dirt with a random stick in the outfield and post-game snacks. Now, he really enjoys if for the most part, but I'm pretty convinced that if Coach K didn't clear the field of random sticks before game-time, he'd be out there drawing blueprints for his next Lego building project.

Kenna just turned 1. And has turned this family inside out with her crazy antics. The non-sleeping was brutal, but she's finally turned a corner there for the most part. Of course, now that I've said that, she's crying...when will I learn? Back in a minute.

Ok, crisis averted - pacifier misplacement is an easy fix!

On to other news...Kenna started walking on Christmas Eve at 10 1/2 months. She's still a tiny, tiny thing, and to see her walk is a little unnerving...kind of like watching a large newborn toddle about and spin in circles. Funny thing, though...she has no idea she's small. She pretty much walks into a room like she owns the joint, scans for familiar faces and proceeds to the snack bar. Where does she put it all? Good question - if I can figure out her metabolic secrets, I'll share :) So far, she has not turned down anything except scrambled eggs. I can't blame her - scrambled eggs are a texture-phobe's nightmare, and make me a little squeamish, too.

As for the grownups in the house, we're hanging in there -- adjusting to being a fam of four has been an interesting ride of scheduling snafus and random tantrums (mine, not the kids'), but we're muddling through and wouldn't have it any other way. One day we'll all look back at this and wish we were still in the throes of it all, so I'm not wishing any of it away.

And in adoption news, the CCAA is now up to March 2, 2006. Why, that's not too far from our May 18, 2006 LID, is it? It's still at least a year away by Chinese adoption math standards. We're still in line, waiting our turn, but it's hard to believe we've been at this since October 2005. We're still looking at least another year before we head back across the International Date Line. At this point, we're in a wait-and-see mode. What's meant to be will be.

And a quick shout out to an old high school bud who will be travelling to China next week for their little girl - Congrats, Mike!

And, of course, part of my heart is always with my fellow ex-Thai Nguyen-ers...all of us have our babies home except for Ang -- any day now, I'm sure of it, though. The beauracracy still amazes me. Months after VN has shut down to new US adoptions, there are still so many babies who are stuck in paperwork limbo. JUST SIGN THE DAMN PAPERWORK AND GET THESE CHILDREN HOME!!!! I'm sure that will take care of it :)

Well, thanks for checking in - I'll be posting more often, but I won't be putting away the Facebook crack any time soon. I'm not ready to admit I have a problem.