Emma Day

That's what Connor calls it, and it's better than calling it "Emma's birthday", or "The Day Emma Died", or "The Day We Wish Never Happened..."

It's been a rough season. The time between Mother's Day and Father's Day is really emotional and trying for us all. I remember with clarity that only a mother can have, each minute of each day leading up to June 2, 2005. It's harrowing and heart-shattering, and travels in emotional waves between anguish and acceptance as we move toward Emma Day.

We try to do something fun with Connor (and this year, Kenna) on this day to somehow celebrate Emma's part in our family. And it makes the day easier to get through. Today we're taking Connor to the movies and then if the weather cooperates, we'll take both of them to a local splash park. Kenna's obviously too young to realize anything different about today, but Connor knows and says, "it's a very sad day, but at least we can do something fun so we can smile".

This year has been different as I remember her. She would be 4 today. Up until now, I was mourning the loss of a baby. But it hit me with real force and anguish this year that I'm missing an entire childhood now. She would be in pre-K. She would be playing a sport or taking dance or gymnastic lessons. She would be terrorizing her big brother. Or maybe not. We'll never know, and that part never gets easier.

Certianly without Emma, there may not have been Kenna, and I can't imagine not having her. But I don't think it's selfish to wish we could have both of them.

We love you, Emma Jane, You are in our hearts always.