What Not to Say to an Adoptive Parent or The Top 5 Ways To Leave A Mommy (or Daddy) Speechless

Ok - I've taken this post from another blog and made it my own. Political correctness does have its place, especially around sensitive little ones.

It is NOT meant to make you afraid to open your mouth but rather to shed a little light on some notions that may be a little hard for the adoptive parent to hear, especially in front of their children.

1. "You took the easy route" (referring to adopting over pregnancy). Those of you who know and love me DEFINITELY know our route to family building was NOT in any way easy, and we shouldn't assume so for anyone else. Anyone who witnessess someone saying this to me or any memeber of my family has my permission -- no, make that my INSISTENCE to pull out their fingernails one by one.

2. "Why not adopt domestically, there are plenty of children in the US who need homes?" First, listen to what you're saying, people. You're implying that US children are in some way more deserving of families than other children around the world. That's just sick.

3. "She's cute; how much did she cost?" Really? You want me to answer that in dollars, therapy bills, fertility treatments, frequent flyer miles or tears? She's priceless. Period. Now, how much was your vasectomy, and did they get it all?

4. "Are they both/all yours?", "Are they REAL siblings". Yes. and Yes. Our family is as real as real can be. All our children will be ours for as long as they'll have us! And they'll be siblings long after we're gone, fighting over who has to pay off the debts of the estate. You can't get any more real than that.

5. "What a lucky baby". Nope. We're the lucky ones. We are not adopting to rescue a child. We are not doing a wonderful, courageous thing. We aren't trying to win points with God, Buddah or Vishnu. There was absolutely no "WWJD" in our decision to adopt. We want more children and this is the way for us to have them. It is a purely selfish choice, and should all the stars align, our daughters will choose us, too.

6. "What a beautiful brown baby, where did you get her?" They are beautiful. They came from my heart. But really, what an ugly, racist soul you have. Where did you get your blue hair?

In short, just think before you ask a question like these. Think about it from the child's perspective, and from the parents' need to protect their child from any sort of hurt from the world. Words are powerful. Please use that power for good.

Curiouser and curioser...

Feeling a little better today....just knowing that our agency is working 'round the clock to get these babies home is a relief.

Now, if someone could just figure out what the heck is going on with China??? and the USCIS???

Some people got skipped last month, some received referrals out of order...what's a girl to do with that sort of inconsistency from the program that was once touted as, if nothing else, pretty predictable and safe? It's crazy what a roller coaster ride it's been to build our family. Apparently the best way to ensure and easy road to parenthood is to be a teenage, unwed, drug-addicted, homeless high-school dropout. wow. I've been getting a little too involved in my cases! Sorry for the outburst :)

Our i-171h is set to expire in ohhh, let's see....about 10 days. We do not have our renewal in hand yet. We MUST have this one piece of paper in order to complete the adoption, or to be more accurate, to get back into the U.S. with our child. Pretty important. I AM FREAKING OUT! I was trying to give USCIS a little space -- some time to get this right without my intervention, but clearly I must give them a tiny nudge....hope they're ready. It's not going to be pretty. It's time to start stalking the Department of Homeland Security again! I have tried and tried to let them do the right thing on their own. It is obvious to me that NOTHING happens in that office without me bugging the crap out of them and taking charge of it myself. Not that I'm a control freak or anything. (psst...don't tell my therapist!)

Grace and courage to my children's birthparents...cyber kisses to my girls. Good night.

International Adoption is scary.

There are families in Vietnam right now who are dealing with the fact that the USCIS has denied their children entry Visas back into the United States with their new parents. This is the same USCIS who APPROVED the applications to adopt, APPROVED travel to Vietnam to proceed with the adoption, and now are not letting the babies back into the country. It is a long and twisted journey for those families, and my heart breaks for them. There is no indication that anything is awry with our own adoption, but it's impossible not to feel their stress from across the world.

These babies have been adopted in Vietnam; according to VN law, the are officially the children of US citizen parents. The parents are in a horrible position now. They have begun to bond with these children. Their adoptions were COMPLETED a few weeks ago in VN, and they've been getting to know their new babies while waiting on the US to do who-knows-what. If the babies don't have Visas and the parents do, do they do the unthinkable and leave VN WITHOUT their babies???????? I can't even imagine the grief. Well, yes I can. I can imagine it very well, and wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone.

Most of the families have been in VN for about two weeks so far. They've been told by the US Embassy to wait another two weeks. At least. For what? For more paperwork to be processed, to wait on an appeal to get approval from their government that they may come home with their own children. Meanwhile they wrestle with the fact that this tiny baby, their baby, a member of their own family, whom they have loved since the minute they made the decision to go to the other side of the world to find them, may not leave with them. They will, in all likelihood return to foster care, or an orphanage to live out an uncertain fate. And they will one day find out that they were adopted by a wonderful family who lives in the US. They will learn that they have birth parents who abandoned them by choice, and adoptive parents who couldn't take them home because their government wouldn't let them.

So they wait...and wonder....and cry....and pray...and hold their babies tight for as long as they can bear it. And some have to make the unthinkable choice to leave without them. It's tragic. Senseless. Heartbreaking.

It's October! Thus begins my most favorite time of the year. We took Connor to the State Fair of Texas yesterday. He is a total thrill-seeker! He wants to ride all the "big kid" rides, and he's actually tall enough for a few of them. He loves the adrenalin rush! However, he was a little confused by Big Tex - he didn't really understand his purpose. "Why is he talking? I didn't know balloons could talk! And in Spanish, too?"

Connor has decided to be Batman for Halloween. I guess the days of cuddly baby animal costumes are over!

As much as I adore the beginning of the holdiay season, it's hard for us all to go through it ONCE AGAIN without a tiny one to share the joy. We should hear something any day from Vietnam. Really, I swear! But it looks like travel wont be until the beginning of 2008. It is difficult to write 2008 and know that our family has been in a "holding pattern" since 2005.

On another note...all of our favorite Texas teams are doing well! Connor's t-ball prowess has improved dramatically. He's in the 5-6 year-old league now, where they have real outs and strikes! So far (we're 3 games into the fall season) he's scored 4 runs, had 6 or 7 base hits and has a couple outs to his credit. The Aggies are doing well and beat Oklahoma State in a close game...UT lost to OU, which always makes Brian happy, and the Dallas Cowboys are undefeated!!! We'll see how they do in Prime Time tonight!

The CCAA has finally made it through November 2005. You may remember that back in May, they finished through Novebmer 1, 2005. So do the math in your head with me....it may take me a minute...that's FIVE months to get through ONE month of referrals. Every time I think China can't slow down any more, they prove me wrong. The latest forecast for us is February 2009. And it continues to lengthen...

So anyway - life has not stopped for us. Although sometimes I wish it would, for just a second, so I could catch my breath and savor what's in front of me right now.

Many prayers and good wishes to the families traveling in Vietnam right now waiting for their children's Visas so they can come home.

Thoughts of grace and peace to my children's birth mothers, and the unbelievable strength and love they have for their babies in order to them a better life and help us grow our family.

Slacker.

I am a huge slacker - i have not posted anything since July 1? and now it's almost September? I really do suck at this....here's a quick summary of July and August...
Jimmy and Rhonda were married on July 7. That's Seven-Seven-oh-Seven for those of you wondering! We are all very happy they have found each other. Connor was the ring bearer, and oh-so-adorable!!!!

The Guy twins were born on July 20, much to everyone's joy and consternation. They were 10 weeks early, but the cutest little things i've ever seen! They have been in the NICU since then. Isabella and Caden are thriving and improving every day. April and Sean hope to have them home within a few weeks! We'll all be celebrating like crazy!

In adoption land, we wait. And wait. And wait some more. The referral timelines for Vietnam are getting longer and longer, though nowhere close to China's. We still hope to be home with Kamryn this year, and that's a pretty reasonable hope at this point. And in China, things are moving along at a snail's pace....actually, slow even for snails. Our best "guesstimate" now is November 2008. And each month it gets pushed out even more. It's absolutely nuts, and i thing everyone we know probably thinks on some level that Bri and I are making the whole thing up!

Brian has started his own business! Although we are NOT Simpson & Simpson (yet), he will be working out of our Flower Mound office and will practice in the areas of Wills, Estates and Trusts, Business Formation and Litigation, Contracts and a teensy bit of Family Law. It's fun to have him in the office - I'm sure he thinks there's too much estrogen there. Just wait until our baby girls get there!!!

CONNOR IS IN KINDERGARTEN!!! Long story short, everyone at Primrose believed he could succeed in Kindergarten a year early. It was an easy decision after he told be that suggesting he go to Kindergarten was "the best idea you've ever had, Mommy!" He's thriving! There has been a visible and quite dramatic shift in him, just in the first week. He's very proud to be in the "big" class, and quite content to have left all the "babyness" behind in Pre-K. He has adjusted VERY well, and so has Brian. I'm still watching and analyzing every word and emotion he has for signs of trouble. None so far, and I think that's the way it will stay. He has found his little place in the K class, and his confidence is really on the rise. We are quite proud, can you tell? He really is an amazing little boy -- wise beyond his years, with a sweetness in his soul that i have only seen in one other person on the planet, his Daddy. And cute as can be!

Oh, and he's offered to change "all the diapers" and "feed the baby sisters all the time" and "give them all their baths" and "read them Princess bedtime stories EVERY night". He also says he "loves them so, so, so, so, so, so, much !"

So Labor Day weekend is upon us, and we're headed to the Lake House for a little R&R. Just like every other trip we take, we think, "next time Kamryn (or Keira) will be with us". The holidays are just around the corner, and there had better be a little girl in our lives by then! We always say, "by this time next year, our family will be complete....". Maybe 2007 will be a start. Maybe by 2010 everyone will be home. A girl can dream, right?

I can't believe it's already July. This year is disappearing before my eyes, and i'm wondering what i've done with the time. Oh, i know!! I've been managing my family, my business, 2 adoptions, the governments of the US, China and Vietnam...and a partridge in a pear tree!
I don't know if I've already posted that the CCAA just started matching November in its last batch. That set us back to an estimated referral date for Keira to August 2008 at the very earliest. Each month, the wait gets even longer. When we started this journey in October 05, the wait time was 6-7 months...by the time we were done with our paperchase and logged in, the wait had already doubled. and now, a little over a year later, we'll be waiting for AT LEAST as long as we've already waited. (14 months).
BIG HUGE hugs to April, Sean, Isabella and Caden. They are all hanging in there, and the twins are proving to be challenging and stubborn in the womb. Go figure...We love you all so much.

The latest from the illustrious Department of Homeland Security on our Vietnam adoption is that our social worker made a boo-boo. She put in an extra word.

Seriously.

The offensive semantic difference is

....drum roll....

"recommends".

The home study is supposed to say, "the social worker APPROVES the adoption." Ours says "the social worker RECOMMENDS APPROVAL of the adoption."

Well obviously this means we're unfit to be parents!

Repeat it with me.....I LOVE GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACY! They actually killed a tree and wasted postage and 4 days of snail mail time (don't even get me started on how many more days that may equate to our daughter remaining in an orphanage) to write us a letter to explain exactly that.

We must send in an update ASAP, and thankfully, it won't really a problem for us since our social worker is unbelievably sweet and will get this done within a day. She won't charge us anything, and will bend over backwards to make the change and initial it in blood if she needs to. What I'm struggling with is that most social workers charge anywhere from a $100 to $500 minimum for an "update". That's a lot of money that could be better spent at Baby Gap for pink outfits! Or, ok, maybe for formula. (BO-ring!)Given the cost of adoptions to begin with, if we had to scrape together ANOTHER fee to change ONE WORD, I might just lose it. Again.

My sweet baby girl -

I don't know how I've survived the last 2 years without you, but somehow life has kept moving. You are forever in our hearts and souls. I'm thankful you were a physical part of me for a little while; was it just the blink of an eye, or an eternity?

Daddy and I think of you every day, sometimes, every minute of every day. Sometimes your memory makes us cry, but mostly I just smile at the thought of you watching over us and the giggling at the crazy things we do. Connor proudly remembers that you will always be his first baby sister. You will always have a special place in his heart, and even though he was so young when you left this world, he remembers your spirit and misses your presence.

I continue to remember that you were too perfect for this Earth.

All my love always,
Mommy

It's been over a year since our dossier arrived in China. It's been sitting in the CCAA office gathering dust for at least that long. I don't even know if it's ever been touched. Supposedly, it has been in the "review room" since February 2007.... That's the last stop before the "matching room". Currently dossiers are waiting in these rooms for months and months at a time, when it used to be just a week or two.



I imagine that room to be a place piled to the rafters with thousands of parents' files, waiting for their children. It's kind of like having thousands of pregnant families, all crammed in one place, just waiting to go into labor!



In other adoption news, our documents were sent to the Secretary of State's office today, and then on to the Vietnamese Consulate for translation. Shortly after that, we should have Kamryn's referral!!! It's so exciting, but rather surreal to think that she'll be home soon. After all this waiting, I don't even know how to feel.



Connor's t-ball season ended last Saturday, and he starts basketball in June. I think he's only in it because his friends are doing it, and for the trophy, but as long as he wants to play, we might as well let him.

Need Pink?

On the adoption front, referrals arrived yesterday for those with LIDs through November 1, 2005. Yes, that's 2-thousand-FIVE. I'm not really suprized, but it would be nice if I could be a little more optimistic! A few agencies out there are giving into the reality and telling their clients that the wait will be 36 months. I've pretty much resigned myself to that, but it still stings to see it in print.

My Aunt Vicky underwent surgery this week for breast cancer. She is in my thoughts all the time. So, to add to my obsession for all things pink, I've decided to enter the Race for the Cure this year....I'm toying with the 3-day, but my friend Robyn ended up in the ER after day 2 last year. And if I went with her, who would pick us up at midnight from the hospital?

AND, major congrats to Sean and April on their latest sonogram that shows a girl.....AND a boy! There's not another couple in the world who deserves more joy. I'm really glad the kiddos decided to cooperate this time around, because I have been waiting to buy cute baby things for them for what seems like forever!!!

From Mini to Mini Van...

Ok, so I've never really owned a Mini Cooper. I actually own a 7-passenger SUV, but I have always coveted my friend Robyn's ruby-red cutie that NEVER has to worry about parking challenges, and doesn't even know what a 3-point turn is! AND until fairly recently, I could almost justify owning one. Great Gas mileage, enviable zippines, undeniably hip, can fit car-seats, .....and right there, my friends, is where my earstwhile dreams of owning a Mini have come to a screeching halt.

It won't fit 3 of them. Truly, 2 car seats would have been quite a challenge, and really only possible if Connor stopped growing and Brian and I never drove anywhere together ever again, and we could certainly NEVER go to Costco. But it was possible. It was still out there......but i had to let it go.

So, head hanging, I went to look at Mini Vans this weekend. I'm going to hate myself for saying this, but they truly are the only workable option that makes any sense for a family of 5 with three kids under 5. I am officially uncool. And there's really no going back once you make the minivan leap. I'm afraid it's inevitable.

But I have to admit, I love those automatic sliding doors! And Kim, I take back every crass anti-minivan thought I ever had when you got yours. If there was ever any doubt, you are clearly the smartest of us all!!

The motto of China Adoption...."where the wait gets longer, the longer you wait."

This couldn't be more true! Today, some message boards are proclaiming that the wait is now expected to reach 30 months from LID to referral. For us, with a 5/18/2006 LID, that means......hang on, let me do the math....November 2008. That is just nuts, but strangely, it kinda works out with our Vietnam adoption. If that date is close to accurate -- which is almost impossible to predict -- then Keira will be home a little over a year after Kamryn. That is the plan, anyway....and if something goes according to plan in our lives, it would be a miracle! But hey, I think we're due for a miracle or two.

"The miracle is not in "birthing" a baby - it is in the way your child becomes a part of you, part of your heart and your life. It is in the way the love you have for that child is immediate and everlasting." - unknown

I found this statement to be so true. I loved Connor and Emma the minute I discovered I was pregnant. And the love for Keira and Kamryn was instantaneous as well, from the minute we knew we were adopting them.

My thoughts today are with the victims of the Virgina Tech shootings and their families. May they find peace in each other and within themselves.

Conversations at the Passport Office: A 4 year-old's perspective on foreign travel, honeymooning and birthmothers

N: It's so great you got your Passport picture taken care of today!
C: Why?
N: Because now you can come with me and Daddy to bring your sisters home!
C: Why?
N: Because......um...well....here, let me show you what your Passport will look like. (N fumbles through Mommy Purse/Briefcase/Carry-on bag looking for Parental Passport. Finds Brian's.)
N: Look - yours will be like this, only YOUR picture will be right here. (Points to crazy mugshot of husband, hopes child is not scared.) And see these neat different-colored stamps? You'll get some like these when you travel to China and Vietnam.
B: See, buddy? These neat stamps are from our honeymoon in Jamaica - aren't they cool?
C: (Silent for a rare, brief moment.....and then...)
C: IS THAT WHERE YOU GOT ME? IN JAMAICA??
N: (trying to contain laughter) No honey, you are from Mommy's belly.
C: Why?
(N bangs head against brick wall and searches for a sharp stick to poke out eyes. why-oh-why did I go down this road????? Recovers slowly...)
N: Because some children are from their Mommy's tummies, and some come from...um...other women's tummies in other countries -- like Kamryn and Keira will.
C: Oohhhh - other tummies. They're sooooooo lucky.
N: Gee, thanks, hon. (says under her breath...well, mine seemed good enough for you at the time...
C: They'll already have all their stamps!

ONLY 2 DAYS!!!!!

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! The blessed CCAA (China Center for Adoption Affairs) matched the equivalent of 2 days worth of dossiers this month. That basically means that families in line (logged in) before October 26, 2005 have been matched.

That's a really long way from our log-in date: May 18, 2006. The latest predictions say we should have our referral for Keira anywhere from June 2008 - October 2011. How's that for planning?

So in the meantime, our paperchase to Vietnam and Kamryn has officially started, Connor has an appointment to get his passport tomorrow and our social worker is on call to revise our home study. Life certainly does go on, doesn't it?

In other news, on Saturday Connor played his T-Ball gameIN THE SNOW!!!!!! This crazy Texas weather never ceases to amaze me. The kids were great sports in their cold-weather gear, and it made for some interesting pictures....coming soon :)

The Waiting...

....is the hardest part. (Thanks, Tom Petty) Now that song is stuck in my head. Everytime I hear something new about the China adoption wait, it's not good news. The timelines and wait times have extended WAY past where anyone would have thought possible. Since we've been in line (May 18, 2006), the wait has pretty much TRIPLED.

Patience is NOT my strong suit, and this wait is doing quite a number on our family. Connor asks daily about his baby sisters, and tells me what a good big brother he is; how helpful he's going to be...he has offered to change diapers, too! I don't know what I can do to hold him to that one, but there's gotta be a way......

The shock of the wait time, though, is met full force with the joy of knowing that our boy will have 2 baby sisters by the end of next year, and we'll suddenly be a family of FIVE!! I don't think he can be fully aware of what that means for him, exactly. Unfortuntely, I'm no help, since I'm an only child, and Brian....well, Brian doesn't talk much, but knows it will all work out.

The only thing on this weekend's agenda is Connor's T-Ball game, and an attempt at traipsing all over DFW looking for a patch of picture-perfect bluebonnets where I won't feel my life is in danger from the oncoming traffic on the highway!

I don't know what's possessed me to start a blog. Not enough to do, I guess! Anyhow - hopefully this will update family and friends with our progress (or lack thereof) through the adoption(s). Oh, and for those of you who don't know, we are pursuing 2 adoptions simultaneously now. Keira is in China, and we started her adoption from in October 2005. Kamryn is in Vietnam, and we have just barely begun that phase, and actually, she'll be home first! Go ahead, say it. "N and B have finally lost their minds, and are on their way to the crazy farm!"

We hope you all will visit often. The children are precious here :)