What Not to Say to an Adoptive Parent or The Top 5 Ways To Leave A Mommy (or Daddy) Speechless

Ok - I've taken this post from another blog and made it my own. Political correctness does have its place, especially around sensitive little ones.

It is NOT meant to make you afraid to open your mouth but rather to shed a little light on some notions that may be a little hard for the adoptive parent to hear, especially in front of their children.

1. "You took the easy route" (referring to adopting over pregnancy). Those of you who know and love me DEFINITELY know our route to family building was NOT in any way easy, and we shouldn't assume so for anyone else. Anyone who witnessess someone saying this to me or any memeber of my family has my permission -- no, make that my INSISTENCE to pull out their fingernails one by one.

2. "Why not adopt domestically, there are plenty of children in the US who need homes?" First, listen to what you're saying, people. You're implying that US children are in some way more deserving of families than other children around the world. That's just sick.

3. "She's cute; how much did she cost?" Really? You want me to answer that in dollars, therapy bills, fertility treatments, frequent flyer miles or tears? She's priceless. Period. Now, how much was your vasectomy, and did they get it all?

4. "Are they both/all yours?", "Are they REAL siblings". Yes. and Yes. Our family is as real as real can be. All our children will be ours for as long as they'll have us! And they'll be siblings long after we're gone, fighting over who has to pay off the debts of the estate. You can't get any more real than that.

5. "What a lucky baby". Nope. We're the lucky ones. We are not adopting to rescue a child. We are not doing a wonderful, courageous thing. We aren't trying to win points with God, Buddah or Vishnu. There was absolutely no "WWJD" in our decision to adopt. We want more children and this is the way for us to have them. It is a purely selfish choice, and should all the stars align, our daughters will choose us, too.

6. "What a beautiful brown baby, where did you get her?" They are beautiful. They came from my heart. But really, what an ugly, racist soul you have. Where did you get your blue hair?

In short, just think before you ask a question like these. Think about it from the child's perspective, and from the parents' need to protect their child from any sort of hurt from the world. Words are powerful. Please use that power for good.

Curiouser and curioser...

Feeling a little better today....just knowing that our agency is working 'round the clock to get these babies home is a relief.

Now, if someone could just figure out what the heck is going on with China??? and the USCIS???

Some people got skipped last month, some received referrals out of order...what's a girl to do with that sort of inconsistency from the program that was once touted as, if nothing else, pretty predictable and safe? It's crazy what a roller coaster ride it's been to build our family. Apparently the best way to ensure and easy road to parenthood is to be a teenage, unwed, drug-addicted, homeless high-school dropout. wow. I've been getting a little too involved in my cases! Sorry for the outburst :)

Our i-171h is set to expire in ohhh, let's see....about 10 days. We do not have our renewal in hand yet. We MUST have this one piece of paper in order to complete the adoption, or to be more accurate, to get back into the U.S. with our child. Pretty important. I AM FREAKING OUT! I was trying to give USCIS a little space -- some time to get this right without my intervention, but clearly I must give them a tiny nudge....hope they're ready. It's not going to be pretty. It's time to start stalking the Department of Homeland Security again! I have tried and tried to let them do the right thing on their own. It is obvious to me that NOTHING happens in that office without me bugging the crap out of them and taking charge of it myself. Not that I'm a control freak or anything. (psst...don't tell my therapist!)

Grace and courage to my children's birthparents...cyber kisses to my girls. Good night.

International Adoption is scary.

There are families in Vietnam right now who are dealing with the fact that the USCIS has denied their children entry Visas back into the United States with their new parents. This is the same USCIS who APPROVED the applications to adopt, APPROVED travel to Vietnam to proceed with the adoption, and now are not letting the babies back into the country. It is a long and twisted journey for those families, and my heart breaks for them. There is no indication that anything is awry with our own adoption, but it's impossible not to feel their stress from across the world.

These babies have been adopted in Vietnam; according to VN law, the are officially the children of US citizen parents. The parents are in a horrible position now. They have begun to bond with these children. Their adoptions were COMPLETED a few weeks ago in VN, and they've been getting to know their new babies while waiting on the US to do who-knows-what. If the babies don't have Visas and the parents do, do they do the unthinkable and leave VN WITHOUT their babies???????? I can't even imagine the grief. Well, yes I can. I can imagine it very well, and wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone.

Most of the families have been in VN for about two weeks so far. They've been told by the US Embassy to wait another two weeks. At least. For what? For more paperwork to be processed, to wait on an appeal to get approval from their government that they may come home with their own children. Meanwhile they wrestle with the fact that this tiny baby, their baby, a member of their own family, whom they have loved since the minute they made the decision to go to the other side of the world to find them, may not leave with them. They will, in all likelihood return to foster care, or an orphanage to live out an uncertain fate. And they will one day find out that they were adopted by a wonderful family who lives in the US. They will learn that they have birth parents who abandoned them by choice, and adoptive parents who couldn't take them home because their government wouldn't let them.

So they wait...and wonder....and cry....and pray...and hold their babies tight for as long as they can bear it. And some have to make the unthinkable choice to leave without them. It's tragic. Senseless. Heartbreaking.

It's October! Thus begins my most favorite time of the year. We took Connor to the State Fair of Texas yesterday. He is a total thrill-seeker! He wants to ride all the "big kid" rides, and he's actually tall enough for a few of them. He loves the adrenalin rush! However, he was a little confused by Big Tex - he didn't really understand his purpose. "Why is he talking? I didn't know balloons could talk! And in Spanish, too?"

Connor has decided to be Batman for Halloween. I guess the days of cuddly baby animal costumes are over!

As much as I adore the beginning of the holdiay season, it's hard for us all to go through it ONCE AGAIN without a tiny one to share the joy. We should hear something any day from Vietnam. Really, I swear! But it looks like travel wont be until the beginning of 2008. It is difficult to write 2008 and know that our family has been in a "holding pattern" since 2005.

On another note...all of our favorite Texas teams are doing well! Connor's t-ball prowess has improved dramatically. He's in the 5-6 year-old league now, where they have real outs and strikes! So far (we're 3 games into the fall season) he's scored 4 runs, had 6 or 7 base hits and has a couple outs to his credit. The Aggies are doing well and beat Oklahoma State in a close game...UT lost to OU, which always makes Brian happy, and the Dallas Cowboys are undefeated!!! We'll see how they do in Prime Time tonight!

The CCAA has finally made it through November 2005. You may remember that back in May, they finished through Novebmer 1, 2005. So do the math in your head with me....it may take me a minute...that's FIVE months to get through ONE month of referrals. Every time I think China can't slow down any more, they prove me wrong. The latest forecast for us is February 2009. And it continues to lengthen...

So anyway - life has not stopped for us. Although sometimes I wish it would, for just a second, so I could catch my breath and savor what's in front of me right now.

Many prayers and good wishes to the families traveling in Vietnam right now waiting for their children's Visas so they can come home.

Thoughts of grace and peace to my children's birth mothers, and the unbelievable strength and love they have for their babies in order to them a better life and help us grow our family.